What should children expect when they visit someone who is dying?
Children should be told, in plain words, what may be different before they visit someone who is dying.
General information: This page gives general information for people in Australia. It cannot tell you exactly what a child will see in one person's room. Ask the treating team what the child should be prepared for before the visit.
Children should be told, in plain words, what may be different before they visit someone who is dying. The person may look thinner, weaker, sleepier or less like themselves. They may not talk. Their breathing may sound different. There may be medical equipment in the room.
This information is not meant to scare children. It helps them decide whether to visit and makes the room less shocking if they do.
What the person may look like
The person may be in bed or in a chair. They may have their eyes closed. Their mouth may be open. Their skin may look pale, grey, yellowish or blotchy. Their hands and feet may feel cool. They may look much thinner than before.
They may not respond, or they may only respond a little. This does not mean the child has done anything wrong. The person may be too tired or too unwell to answer.
What children may hear
Breathing can sound noisy, rattly, fast, slow or uneven near the end of life. There may be long pauses between breaths. This can be upsetting to hear. Tell the child that the nurses and doctors can help if the person seems uncomfortable.
Machines may beep. A pump may give medicine. Oxygen may make a soft sound. Staff may come in and out. If the person is at home, there may still be equipment, medicines or nurses visiting.
What children can do
Children do not need to say the perfect thing. They can say hello, hold a hand, sit nearby, draw, read a short story, play music, show a photo, or say "I love you" or "goodbye" if they want to.
They can also leave. Tell them before the visit:
"You can stay for a little while or leave whenever you want. You will not be in trouble if you want to go."
Some children will cry. Some will ask questions. Some will become very quiet. Some will want to play soon after. These reactions can all happen.
If the person dies during or soon after a visit
If death may happen soon, tell the child gently:
"Grandad may die today. If that happens, his breathing will stop and his body will become still. We will stay with you and explain what is happening."
If the child is present when death happens, keep the explanation simple. The person has died. Their body has stopped working. They do not feel pain now. Avoid saying they have "gone to sleep", because this can make younger children afraid of sleep.
When to get help now
Ask for support if the child is very distressed before or after a visit, has ongoing nightmares, becomes very withdrawn, has big behaviour changes, or keeps asking frightening questions you cannot answer.
If a child or teenager may hurt themselves or someone else, call 000. For crisis support in Australia, contact Lifeline on 13 11 14, text 0477 13 11 14, or use https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/.
You may also want to read
- How do I tell my children that someone they love is dying?
- Should children visit someone who is dying?
- What does dying from dementia look like?