Should children visit someone who is dying?
Children can visit someone who is dying if they want to, the visit is safe, and they are prepared for what they may see.
General information: This page gives general information for people in Australia. It cannot tell you exactly what is right for one child, one family or one dying person. If you are unsure, speak with the person's treating team, a social worker, counsellor, GP, school wellbeing staff or another health professional who knows the situation.
Children can visit someone who is dying if they want to, the visit is safe, and they are prepared for what they may see. A visit should usually be offered, not forced. Many children cope better when adults are honest and give them a choice.
Keeping children away to protect them can sometimes make things harder. They may imagine something worse, feel shut out, or miss the chance to say goodbye. Other children may not want to visit, and that choice can also be respected.
Ask what the child wants
Explain the situation first in clear words. Then ask:
"Would you like to visit Pop? You do not have to. I can tell you what it might be like, and you can decide."
Some children want to visit briefly. Some want to draw a picture, send a message, make a card, record a voice message or see the person by video instead. Some want to go but change their mind at the door. Give them a way out.
Prepare them before the visit
Tell the child what they may see, smell and hear. For example:
"Aunty is very sleepy now. She may not open her eyes. Her breathing may sound noisy. There is a tube giving her medicine. You can hold her hand if you want, but you do not have to."
Avoid promises such as "it will be peaceful" or "you will feel better afterwards". You cannot know exactly how the child will feel.
It can help to have one adult whose only job is to support the child. That adult can leave with them at any time, answer questions and make sure they are not stuck in the room because the adults are busy.
Keep the visit short and flexible
A few minutes may be enough. Children may move between sadness, curiosity and play. This does not mean they do not care. It is one way children manage strong feelings.
Let the child choose whether to touch, talk, sit nearby, draw, read, play music or say goodbye. If the person who is dying is unconscious, it is still reasonable to speak normally and gently. Hearing may still be present.
When a visit may not be right
A visit may need to wait or be changed if the child is unwell, the dying person has an infection risk, the room is unsafe, the child is very distressed, or the dying person has said they do not want visitors.
If the scene is likely to be frightening, ask the healthcare team whether the person can be made more comfortable first, whether the child can visit from the doorway, or whether a photo, message or video call would be better.
When to get help now
Get support if a child is overwhelmed after a visit, has nightmares that do not settle, becomes very withdrawn, has major behaviour changes, or talks about wanting to die or hurt themselves.
If a child or teenager may hurt themselves or someone else, call 000. For crisis support in Australia, contact Lifeline on 13 11 14, text 0477 13 11 14, or use https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/.
You may also want to read
- How do I tell my children that someone they love is dying?
- What should children expect when they visit someone who is dying?
- What does dying from frailty look like?